Thursday, June 11, 2009

I Ain't Goin' Nowhere...

We came home from our wonderful vacation 10 days ago. The first week home I was a basket case of over whelmed feelings for our yard. Weeds growing up to my waist line, the irrigation pump not working, the garden seeds dead or dying. It was to much and I had a melt down last Friday afternoon.

I cried out that this place is going to age me before my time with all the work that needs to be done just trying to keep the dirt on the hillside. I even scared the kids with my meltdown. I never had great feelings for buying this house. The kids couldn't wait to tell Gove what I said and luckily for me he took it with good nature.
We had a beekeepers potluck that night and so I went determined to eat in an emotional fashion which I discovered did not include over eating.

I still managed to loss three pounds when I checked in this past Tuesday at Total Health and Fitness. Darn, there is a part of me that really wants to eat BYU ice cream though really it's not warm outside yet so I cant be doing that until at lest July, if I even do.

I think at the core of all my issues is that I feel no personal direction or motivation to do something specific out side of helping the kids but that isn't rewarding all the time and then I end the day and wonder what have I done for my own betterment. Did I read? Did I study something? Did I even think to pray? So much of this year is answered with a No.

I've been reading my scriptures this week, praying that I can get up when God wakes me which is about 5am and then I'm so tired by evening time and find it hard to get up the next morning so what good is it to pray that I can get up if I don't get up right when I wake?

I'm confused that I have no desire to take an educational class from either BYU or GWU. I have not attempted any personal study and as far as our colloquium goes I do the reading but I'm not prepared for a discussion.

What is the deal? I just would like to know how long this is going to last. What does Heavenly Father want me to gain from this experience.

Do I need a mentor? How can I possibly need a mentor at a time when I feel ... so blank.

Still I would not trade my daily life with our children at all. All three are entering new educational stages for themselves. And it's funny but each is into reading at very differing degrees yet they each are caught with the reading bug.

So here I set this late evening, Gove is taking another round with his sour dough bread making. It's going quite well and in three weeks we will be selling a new bread product at the Farmers Market.

Each morning that we exercise, we watch a Teaching Company video. Right now it's been a 24- part presentation of Alexis de Tocqueville and his book, Democracy in America. It's been interesting especially these last segments relating to us as members of society in America much has come to pass that he predicted and not all for the best of us.

Maybe this is just a time for me to let go and enjoy an easier pace if I will allow myself the opportunity. Goodness sacks Nickie, last year was a tough year of marriage and a time of healing as well as the beginning of this year. Can I just see the blessings here and thank God that I can enjoy just being mom and wife and maybe a little something more without feeling like I need to do do do.

Something else,since I'm confessing here. I did not want to go to church Sunday. I felt like taking a break. Does anyone else feel this at times? I imagine so but I also wanted to be free of all church callings. For some reason I have associated negative feelings with the whole visiting teaching thing. I did bring the girls home after the first hour. I think it was o.k. I feel a lot better now and plan do go visiting teaching tomorrow. Maybe Heavenly Father understood this about me and saw that a break was what I needed.

I don't really know for sure. What I do know is that I have sat too long and my bum is numb.

Good night.


Hammy said...

I have to tell myself often that there is a time and season for everything. Right now is a time for raising children and the day (and all of mom's energy) is spent loving and educating them. It is okay that your personal education is put on the backburner. You can't do everything all the time. Just be glad you are getting as much done as you are--even working out! There will be a day when there is plenty of time for self improvement and service. We weren't meant to be perfect all at once, but to grow and learn and move toward perfection.

And some days you just have to leave after sacrament meeting. As long as it doesn't become a habit. :)

Christina said...

It sounds like you might just be trying to run faster than you have strength -- 5 a.m. study? Classes? Books? Homeschooling? Yard work? Exercise? Weight loss? Visiting Teaching? Cleaning up from a long vacation? No one can do all that perfectly. My advice is to mark a few things as "fundamentals" and make sure those happen every day -- some time for scripture study, time for teaching and being with your children, and some time for prayer. If you've done that, you're doing all that's needed.

It's also okay to do something that's just fun -- read a fun novel, watch a funny movie, or just sit and rest on the couch for a while. Not every moment of your life needs to be spent pursuing perfection -- you are allowed to find rest not just in sleep but in slower-paced activities.

Nickie said...

Thank you Carrie and Cristina. Whenever we return home from a trip I always want to accomplish more then I have strength too.

For all my desires to "get things done" I have never thought about perfection. I'm so far from that direction and I know it's not possible on my own. But I do get caught up and find myself worn out.

Thank you for your thoughts and concern. I do believe something is beginning to formulate in my mind and I think I was and am supposed to redirect my plans towards my kids and our community.

Lisa said...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has melt-downs and gets really overwhelmed. I guess it is normal. Thanks for sharing. I'll pray for you and you pray for me, ok? Take care, friend.