Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dress Barn

Until yesterday I called Dress Barn the Moo Barn.

 Until yesterday I only ever shopped (which was rare in itself) on the left hand side of the store
(the moo side).

Yesterday, something wonderful happened.

For the first time in my life, I walked into Dress Barn and purchased several dresses, blouses, skirt/jacket and nylons from the right hand side of the store!!!! When I looked at the dresses and wondered if I might fit into them I was fearful and dreaded what the mirror was going to show. But you know what! the mirror was really nice. And as a matter of fact the mirror said I could go to a size smaller than I was trying on.

 Today, I wore a size 14, figure slimming, dress to church with off black nylons. Can I say right now that nylons are terrible. I forgot how uncomfortable they are in your crotch...ouch.

When I tired the dresses on and asked a lady if they were too clinging and too short she assured me that I was not use to looking this way having released a total of 50 pounds since 2008 and thirty of those pounds over the past 6 months.

I kept saying thanks to my Father in Heaven, my higher power, for this wonderful blessing of learning to accept letting go, surrendering just for today to a power that has done for me what I have never been able to do for myself. It is truly incredible. I cried in my heart and really wanted to cry but kept it all inside and simply walked about smiling and looking for other items that might work together. I have never bought that much nor spent that much. Gove said he was glad that I did so. I am thankful that I was able to.

No matter how we think that "this powder" or "that pill" or "those exercises" are going to do it for us, it's simply not going to last. Addictions come in every form and I think you can probably live without every addiction there is EXCEPT for food addiction. We can not live without food. Once you can surrender and take the 12 steps and begin the journey of recovery then sanity starts to come into your life and the mind starts to change and the negative voices begin to subside until one day you look at yourself in the mirror and you begin to see someone better and you say you accept yourself unconditionally right now and you wait for the mean little voices to say something and one day you discover they are very quiet because you are finally doing what you have always are surrendering your power over to your higher power and with the help of God all things are possible.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.



Friday, January 4, 2013

Try doing this just for today...

Just For Today

Just for Today: I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for Today: I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that, "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for Today: I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for Today: I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.

Just for Today: I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do--just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for Today: I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything, and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for Today: I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for Today: I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for Today: I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Being open-minded, willing to share, and honest

I find myself often having little personal fights within me almost on a daily bases. In the past I would just give in to the desire which most often involved the eating of some type of food in a secretive manner. And then last year during the spring season I told my husband that I am a closet eater and often run errands with the intent of stopping to eat something. I will not give the details of what I would eat but it wasn't healthy, low fat, or sugar free. So last spring I stopped eating or rather I would tell Gove if I did eat that way and soon I  found myself slowing down doing that type of binge eating.
Then some time in July, I don't recall how, where, or when exactly I came in contact with a program called Compulsive Eaters Anonymous-Honesty, Open Mindedness, Willingness. CEA-HOW is a 12 step program for people suffering with food addictions.
As I attended meetings last summer I was often angry that I would have to change my way of thinking and handling eating situations. Yet I kept attending and started to learn that the feelings and sufferings of an alcoholic are not much different for a person suffering from food. Sadly we need food to live and that might be the only difference. Anyway, I have been attending, living abstinent, slipping at times, and being blessed to release old baggage in the form of physical fat as well as emotional/spiritual fat. Still I find myself in days of rebelling but it's pretty much just in my mind and maybe my heart but doesn't go to my mouth anymore. Knock on wood here.
Once I obtained a sponsor and started using the meal plan and detoxing the first 30 days I was determined to never exercise. I just was not going to do that too along with abstaining. But somewhere after 12 weeks in the program and a release of about 18 pounds I decided I would try some stomach exercises. I turned to my friend Amber who has suggested Lindsay Brin's website. I downloaded a number of short workouts and now, after 10ish weeks I have advanced from 24 minutes to 70 minutes of doing a variety of short workouts. I can see improvement to my poor lower abdomen that has suffered many surgeries and now I have hope that I, with the help of God can look forward to a healthy abdomen that I might not ever need abdominoplasty to repair.  
At times I just want to throw Cea-How out the window but then I look at my body and think about the sanity that has come into my life, the honesty about what I'm eating, and the reaching outs and writings that are beginning to take affect and change my thinking about myself and about others with their own addictions and I realize and say to myself that I can stay with this Cea-How program because I don't want to go back to where I was when I started.

Here are links for what I have mentioned if you are interested in changing and finding peace from food addictions. Plus I will post a link for Just For Today which we can all use and remind ourselves of when we have to press forward with difficult agendas and people.
Cea-How Utah:
Just For Today:
Lindsay Brin:

There really is a way to let go and begin to let God direct your life. I am finding it through my addiction of overeating, compulsive eating, emotional eating and closet eating. You can find relief too through any number of 12 step programs. Twelve Step Programs are truly  blessings sent from a loving God.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Welcome to my new year..2013

How exciting can this year promise to be?
I have a feeling it's going to be superdee duperdee. Oh no, is that a phrase from The Simpsons?! Darn that D.I. special we found for the kids. The first 5 season of The Simpsons and I think it might be getting to me. Nooooo.

I do want to remember a few things about 2012. First, all the good people who  help to influence me to become better. My husband, Marie, Jenn, Ally, Valarie, Ruth, and many other fine people involved with Cea-How.

Meeting my sister after many many years.

Finding the Cea-How way of life and coming to understand that I am a compulsive/emotional eater.

Saying goodbye to Grandpa Vallone, visiting with my Dad and Cathy, feeling peoples gratitude for all the hard work folks do at the Colonial Fest...

Camping with just our daughters and myself for three days. Gove's surgery, my burnt leg,abdomen, and shoulder...

Taking all our children to the Provo temple to serve together. I have no babies left! Pretty sad in a way and exciting and fun in another.

Realizing that I can take a class at BYU and start working on a nursing degree again as I let mine laps too many years while raising our family.

I look forward to letting go and letting God run my life. Do you know how scary it is to say that ? Let go and let God...that really says so much. But I'm going to be working for that.

 Happy New 2013 Year