10 days ago I recommitted to God that I would surrender my will and return to the 12 Steps found through a compulsive eaters program. Why? Why would I go back to weighing, measuring, calling others, committing a daily meal plan, having a sponsor? Simple. Sanity.
Sanity is why. 13 days ago I was leaving the Provo temple and as I looked into the mirror, I heard a voice in my head say, "you look so old and those calf muscles are huge!' There I was with my voices returning. After the summer months were spent eating freely (without any candy--thank goodness), once again the voices finally returned. I gained 10 pounds back and I noticed the day before going to the temple that as I walked my bottom felt suddenly bigger. I think that was actually what allowed the voices back into my head.
I found a sponsor on Thursday October 10th and by Saturday evening, day 2 on program, I was feeling sanity again. I didn't have to ask myself what I was going to go eat. I didn't have to hear the thought that I should go eat candy/chocolate. I didn't need to considered what I was going to eat in the car. What can be more of a relief then not feeling the need to be insane?
This past Thursday morning I heard a voice say my hips were still big. But I quickly said no. My hips are going to be fine and they get me to where I need to be. I sent that voice packing and I looked in the mirror yesterday and indeed my hips look great.
I use to think that voices in my head were like my sub-conscience. I no longer think that. I believe the voices are influences from addicts who have died and are caught somehow as spirits still here on earth---it's the only way I can say it. It sounds odd to me yet I think there is some truth. And whats interesting is that as soon as I surrendered back to my higher power which is God. I felt hope and ability and sanity that I can be at peace again and there isn't a need to be fighting against myself.
My experience tells me, testifies to me, that God really wants us to have sanity in our lives and any type of addiction will never be sane.
Just for today I'm giving my will to God and I see and I know that God is doing for me what I have never been able to do for myself.