Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Going forward...gently and slowly

Today was my last group therapy class with woman I have grown to appreciate their strength, their courage, their tenacity for life,their hope .  I read my impact letter to the group and ended with these words:

"I hope we can work together with healthy boundaries for ourselves as individuals and as a couple sealed for time and eternity. I hope you and I will remember that anything of value takes work and time. Satan is the only thing "lower power" that does not want myself nor you to believe in improving. My hope is that we each can desire God into our hearts and that we can confess anything to Him and He will always love us. I hope you will come to know this and that I can come to know this with greater depth too. I like who I am. I like that God is working on me and with me to come to where He needs me to be in growth and improvement. Let's continue to go gently up the stream together, hand in hand, sometimes parting to learn and explore but always coming back together to share, support, love, and forgive. And even rowing a new course together if God so desires us to."

I start some of my exploration this week by attending the compulsive eaters anonymous conference in Los Angeles this weekend. And then I'm doing something very big. I'm returning to my childhood of origin because I recently had the impression that I need to go to a little town I once lived at called Paulsbo, Wa. I was no younger than 5 or 6 I imagine and yet there I must go. So, I am going to go explore with just our girls. This is going to be a healing and girly story trip not something the boys in our family want to go through and so they may go on their own man trip.

It's interesting how my emotions have played out since that gloomy Sunday in April when I realized I was having an emotional breakdown, what I felt was a splitting taking place in me. And yet, I think that was what started the blessings though not without a lot of emotions and discovery coming out of me. I have realized God's hand in the past 24 hours as I have read different chapters each pointing and preparing me for this trip next week. Not that any great miracle is going to occur, I imagine my husband would like that but no, for me things change slowly and with truth and purpose. I was recently introduced to Simple Abundance by Rebecca from my group and that little introduction sent me to find Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by Sarah Ban Breathnach. This was not a coincidence that I should find this book. No, it was the hand of God leading me to it. She says, "Soul-directed events push us past the perimeter of comfort and the safety of old patterns. Soul-directed events defy logic and ridicule reason. But soul-directed events-authentic moments-never betray us..."  I think this book is going to be about coming back to me and who God knows I am but I have forgotten as I surrendered my authentic self to fears and situations that I did not understand in childhood and brought into my adulthood. I am excited to be doing this. I really am. I'm interested in seeing what happens. I most certainly want to keep a prayer in my heart to be open to divine prompting as I journey this path.

Fears. I kind of have 3 choices so says Julian Sleigh.

1. Ignore it (fear) and hope it will go away. It won't.
2. Try and live with it. Not forever.
3. Look for the gift within our fear and benefit from it. When we do, we emerge on the other side of life, surprised by joy.

That's what I'm looking for these days now...Joy...being surprised by joy. I felt it this morning..surprised by joy. Not happiness but peaceful, quite joy.

Sarah is also using the word reembodiment. She says, "Well, reembodiment is how you get a love life-a life you love."  Now I know that my core fears are preventing this from happening for me. Control, Abandonment, Not Good Enough, Insignificant, Unlovable. 5 words say quite a bit. No need to go on there. What I am doing is carrying a slip of paper to write any negative thought that pops into my head and write it down and state who it is from and who it is not from and then it seems to slip away from me. Very nice indeed. And no craziness because of doing this. Blessing.

Time to pack. I hope my driving companion will allow me to read out loud as I would like to share the joy of excavating our authentic selves.

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