Thursday, August 28, 2014

today...

One thing I have going for me is the fact that I have always been willing. Willing to improve even when I keep stepping backwards. Willing to try again even when I hated having to try again. I want to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and I am and have been willing (though not wholeheartedly all the time) but willing nevertheless to become a changed and improved person. It's a very slow change that is taking place within. I wonder if perhaps God needs me to change slowly for others to have encounters with my weaknesses in order to help them with their own weaknesses? So it is and so be it. 
I experienced a change Tuesday night (when I was having feelings of deep disappointment of being stood-up by my spouse and disrespected by not receiving a call to let me know 1.5 hours later then when he said he would be home.) I laid in bed realizing that these feeling of hurt were not what I wanted to keep and that the feelings needed to be given names of emotions and that I wanted to speak with my husband about the hurt and how to communicate being late instead of ignoring me, when I took a deep breath and suddenly just like that the emotions lifted and I smiled and felt the negative weight in my chest lift and I instantly knew I could talk to my husband and care and love myself and say what I needed and hear what he needed without having emotions get in the way. 
For me, this was a gift and a miracle from God the Father....no it was a gift from the Godhead. I bet it took all 3 to help me. But however it came it did come and we communicated. I stood for myself in love and wanting to explain, he explained his side and I came away with greater understanding. Oh how I hope this can happen again to me.
I start taking an 8 week course in Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction next week. I have no idea what to expect except I am offering my morning to study, meditate, pray, read and be authentic as best I can as I learn these skills of peace, joy, and freedom.
After the open conversation with my husband Tuesday night I had a dream early Wednesday morning that involved a bear.  I have had a few dreams of being attacked or followed by bears and I have associated them with stress and trauma in my life. Well this dream was of a very large stuffed bear being used in a play of some type. And, at the end of the play, I found myself caught under the bear and I needed to get out and as I looked into the eyes and face of this bear I started to get scared but I told myself that the bear is dead and can not hurt me. I was able to remove myself out from under the dead beast and when I awoke I realized that this was a significant dream for me. First because of the communication of the night before, Second because I stayed calm and talked to myself that this stuffed bear was not able to get me, and thirdly that I am becoming a stronger daughter of God and I am less fearful, less stressed, and more open to love and light and truth. The bear is dead. It can no longer hurt me and I am stronger. STRONG. I love and like this word. I like it so much I have a necklace that says so.
 




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