Tuesday, October 28, 2014

‘The Journey’ by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice – – -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations – – -
though their melancholy
was terrible. It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do – – – determined to save
the only life you could save.

Dear Ego, I'm learning who you are and I'm working to let you go.....

Part 1

Part 2 

Part 3 

Part 4 

Part 5 

Part 6 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

opening to more...

8 weeks have come to an end...

My first exposure to Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction has come to an end but the learning and meditation will continue in my life and journey as I discover my future place in what God wants me to do.

I have years before me in which to learn so I need to get going. Here are some of the ideas I am coming to think about and feel impressed to learn and use within my nursing skills arena.

1- Pick a program to renew my RN license in Washington state and then renew in Utah....1 year in which to complete the state requirements.
2- Find a yoga program to start certification in. I hear SLC community College has a certification class. http://www.slcccontinuinged.com/yoga
3- Learn about therapeutic dance like biodanza....3 years for certification...http://www.biodanza.org/en/formacion/formacion-para-facilitador-didacta-de-biodanza
4- Learn about the use of musical glass bowels in treatment...life time...http://www.tibetanbowlschool.com/
5- Certification in MBSR through University of Massachusetts...this will take many years...http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/stress-reduction/
6- And pursue earning a Masters degree in nursing education focusing on trauma healing ...4 years
7- Develop loving kindness skills
8-Continuing my journey with A Course in Miracles

All of these are over a great amount of years and I'm okay with that. My small steps now will add to great leaps in the future.

As I talked with Gove last night after our class about some of my above ideas he suggested maybe I am finding my mission.  He seemed supportive and he was wonderful to support me in going to the weekend retreat and welcomed me home yesterday by leaving work right in the middle of the day to send some much needed time together.  Thank you good husband.

The path of forgiveness....

Over this past weekend, October 16-19th. I drove to Petaluma Ca. to the EarthRise Center for a woman's retreat. The theme was "The Path of Forgiveness".  Twelve women were in attendance and Eileen Barker was our mentor. She invited 5 guest speakers. Zora introduced me to the beauty of music and eye contact while dancing and moving your body. Zora runs Biodanza in the San Francisco area. You can find her at zorabiodanza.com  How do I explain this healing art of music and dance?  The first evening of dance was painful but I put on a smile and went for the opportunity to learn and see what would happen. I like eye contact but to have constant eye contact and dance in front of other women!  Wow was that hard. Some  women stopped and left. I was glad to have stayed and Looking back now, staying made all the difference to opening my heart to love these women and to love the contact of our hands and eyes and by the end many of us were crying while we dance together.  Below are 2 of many hand picked songs for our forgiveness retreat experience. The Endangered Species song was used on the 3rd night and felt very empowering. Karen Drucker's song was our closing song and very fitting for the 4 hours we spent together in dance.

Was it worth the money? Every cent and even $100 more if I had to have paid it which I didn't so that was nice.  I liked the checking in with our buddies and our small group settings. I liked the guided meditation and the celebrations 3 times a day.  I liked that the pace at times slowed down because someone was on the verge of a breakthrough and Eileen wanted to let the process happen.

I was delighted to learn about the messenger and the message idea.  I was delighted with Sharon who came to share her talents with singing Tibetan bowels and glass/crystal bowels. That was beautiful sounding and vibrated into your body.  Sharon's chanting was interesting and mixed with many different sounds.

My roommate was Anne from San Francisco. She is a popular photographer. I need to go find her work as she has been in Time and Newsweek and many other magazines. I made several friends. One beautiful woman came to realize that her almost ex-husband did her a favor bringing her back to the states. She was suddenly able to see that blessing and her gratitude came to life and there was less hatred towards her spouse. She was so excited. It was healing to witness this in her and to rejoice with her in her new freedom.

Now, the real work begins for me. I need to write my new story.  I realized that I have sent years...since age 3 is what I was able to see in my heart and with my inner child that I have somehow internalized that I am being attacked, the victim, and that I was not good enough.  Not good enough was the core message I was hearing.  I have heard other messages but this is the big one for me.

The closing ceremony was very special for me. I was able to take my situation and write a new letter and then place it in the burning box and I felt much support from my Lord as I was doing this. I felt lifted and ready to fly. Sadly no wings sprouted.

This was a truly spiritual experience even though it had nothing to do with structured religion, there was love, peace, forgiveness, and in my heart and mind God was also there.

Thank you to all the women who came to EarthRise and who helped me to see my love and my growing potential to soar.  You are are missed by me.

Monday, October 13, 2014

7 Hours of silence and no eye contact...

First I learned that the all day meditation class would be silent. I got over that initial fear by telling myself that I would connect with people by looking into their eyes and saying with my eyes that I love them. I went to the class yesterday only to discover that not only would we not be talking, we would not be looking into each others eyes!  What!? I said to my little self. I decided I better talk to one of the leaders about this and how uncomfortable it is to not have eye contact.  Turns out that's kind of how it's done at these silent retreats.

It also turned out that after 7 hours, the whole thing was a good experience for me and in time I would like to take the opportunity to attend a 5-7 day silent retreat and see what I'll learn.
We did a couple of hours in total sitting meditation, walking meditation, plant observation, eating lunch as mindfully as you could, which I didn't do so well because I wanted to go out into the garden area of the Red Butte Gardens and wander the paths and be present with nature.

A guest yoga instructor lead us in 75 minutes of restorative yoga and he ended his time playing very moving deep clarinet music and it just so happened to be that I and Gove were laying right in front of the yogi and the music was peaceful, moving and light yet deep in sound. It was lovely to relax that way. We then listened to a prayer about sending love to another person, then to a person you feel neutral with and then to a person you experience difficult emotions. As I entered this difficult emotions person, I started to cry.

I really wanted to let it all out but I didn't want to break silence so I let the tears come quietly. I sort of wish I had opened all the way. There is certainly something that needs to be healed deep within my heart.  In time I hope to heal.

While listening and being present I realized that I can look forward to going to the forgiveness retreat this weekend as well. That I am open to learning, I'm open to forgiving myself and perhaps it isn't about asking others for forgiveness as much as it is starting new with these people. With news eyes and with the curious question of why. Why is this person like this? What can I learn? I can observe and step aside from my emotions and from my ego's thoughts and just be me, present and breathing and letting go of being sucked into what is not there.

Our last experience was to sit back to back with another class member. I sat against Dawn's back. Dawn is a psychologist and friend of our leader Vicki. She was the back up person and the person I spoke to about the no eye contact, the meaning of walking mindfully and then at the end I told her about my crying. She thought I am on good learning ground and that the cracking of my heart is opening to the gold that is hidden within and in time I will arrive there.

I am renting a car for my drive to San Francisco this Thursday. Really an hour north. What I will find I do not know but I will be bringing my love and God's love to share through my eyes and body. I will be attending 2 yoga sessions and I hope my meals will be manageable in such a situation.

Here I go...entering new chapters of the journey in my life.

Friday, October 10, 2014

from Atlas Shrugged

"No one's happiness but my own is in my power to achieve or to destroy."

I'm such a slow learner of this idea but good news folks, it's beginning to take root. Now if it can only stay rooted when I needed most. :)

Today...by Marianne Williamson

"Any thought we hold about anyone, we hold subconsciously about ourselves."

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

thank goodness...

ETTV logoettv-image
"What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”
Eckhart Tolle


From the wisdom of Viktor Frankl:

"Your deepest wounds are the source of your greatest contributions.
From the ashes of your pain emerges the radiant torch of your greatness and that torch is fueled by trials.
That which would give light must endure burning."

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


"May my selfish nature melt away, dear God, 
and compassion come to take its place.
May everyone I meet or even think of today be blessed by the love I send their way.
I will receive as I decide to give, and today I choose to give love."
-day 26 A.Y. O. M.

Thursday, October 2, 2014


From Day 24 of A Year of Miracles:

" May I not be tempted by the darkness of the world to think that God is gone, or lured into the thinking of the world to ever doubt love's power. God is here, love is real. and I am safe. These things I know and will not forget. And so it is. Amen."

Taking a few minutes to volunteer...

Meals on Wheels can always use more substitute drivers for their routes.  I and the kids have done this is the past and I thought I might like to offer myself as a sub for the coming year.  You use your own car and bring a meal and a happy face to someone who doesn't get much contact for the most part.  It' simple and you've done something nice that helps you to feel better too.

Miracle of miracles...

There is a way!  Last week, God placed a tiny seed of an idea into my mind and yesterday I followed with the thought. It suddenly occurred to me last week that maybe the nursing school I attended in Washington might have a refresher course.

I called and learned that they do not. But the receptionist was so nice she got on line and looked at the Department of Health for Washington and found that the state has a refresher programs for registered nurses.  Okay, I stayed calm, called on of the programs and sure enough I can do the theory from home and then I will need to come to Washington and work for 160 hours which is about a month in a hospital or nursing home.

Today I talked with the licensing department here in Utah to verify that if a reactivate my license in Washington I can actually receive an endorsement in Utah. Good news! I can! Hot dog.

I'm pausing to shed a few tears because God put that thought into my mind and now I can go forward and not start from scratch again. This is a miracle for me and a tender gift from God....thank you.

Other good news.  I want to learn about energy healing and mindfulness based stress reduction. I have found courses in both. The energy healing sounds so interesting and I will look into The
Simply Healed program created by Carolyn Cooper and see if that is for me.  The mindfulness plan will take several years of learning within myself and attendance at retreats but I have had interesting experiences with asking pains to leave my body and many have and others I have learned are emotional pains (which is why I want to learn the energy work). I think the Un. of Mass program is doable over time and I will need the CEU's because this time I am not going to loss my license in Washington nor Utah.

This is my good news for the day.  I was feeling sadness this morning but there is always a way out to hope and light. Now for lunch which will be weighed and measured.