Monday, October 13, 2014

7 Hours of silence and no eye contact...

First I learned that the all day meditation class would be silent. I got over that initial fear by telling myself that I would connect with people by looking into their eyes and saying with my eyes that I love them. I went to the class yesterday only to discover that not only would we not be talking, we would not be looking into each others eyes!  What!? I said to my little self. I decided I better talk to one of the leaders about this and how uncomfortable it is to not have eye contact.  Turns out that's kind of how it's done at these silent retreats.

It also turned out that after 7 hours, the whole thing was a good experience for me and in time I would like to take the opportunity to attend a 5-7 day silent retreat and see what I'll learn.
We did a couple of hours in total sitting meditation, walking meditation, plant observation, eating lunch as mindfully as you could, which I didn't do so well because I wanted to go out into the garden area of the Red Butte Gardens and wander the paths and be present with nature.

A guest yoga instructor lead us in 75 minutes of restorative yoga and he ended his time playing very moving deep clarinet music and it just so happened to be that I and Gove were laying right in front of the yogi and the music was peaceful, moving and light yet deep in sound. It was lovely to relax that way. We then listened to a prayer about sending love to another person, then to a person you feel neutral with and then to a person you experience difficult emotions. As I entered this difficult emotions person, I started to cry.

I really wanted to let it all out but I didn't want to break silence so I let the tears come quietly. I sort of wish I had opened all the way. There is certainly something that needs to be healed deep within my heart.  In time I hope to heal.

While listening and being present I realized that I can look forward to going to the forgiveness retreat this weekend as well. That I am open to learning, I'm open to forgiving myself and perhaps it isn't about asking others for forgiveness as much as it is starting new with these people. With news eyes and with the curious question of why. Why is this person like this? What can I learn? I can observe and step aside from my emotions and from my ego's thoughts and just be me, present and breathing and letting go of being sucked into what is not there.

Our last experience was to sit back to back with another class member. I sat against Dawn's back. Dawn is a psychologist and friend of our leader Vicki. She was the back up person and the person I spoke to about the no eye contact, the meaning of walking mindfully and then at the end I told her about my crying. She thought I am on good learning ground and that the cracking of my heart is opening to the gold that is hidden within and in time I will arrive there.

I am renting a car for my drive to San Francisco this Thursday. Really an hour north. What I will find I do not know but I will be bringing my love and God's love to share through my eyes and body. I will be attending 2 yoga sessions and I hope my meals will be manageable in such a situation.

Here I go...entering new chapters of the journey in my life.

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