Tuesday, November 11, 2014

It's a go...

I'm still going at it...like the energizer bunny I guess. Or maybe like the song, "just put one foot in front of the other..."  Anyway I'm trying to say that I am still working at being mindful and using breathing as meditation and being present.  I'm still reading my new story each and almost every day since the 28th of October.  I'm still trying to make amends via step 10 as the need arises which it id yesterday evening.

Yesterday, I returned to Dr. Rose with my good husband in tow.  I reviewed my surgical plan for the hernia repair and for the abdominalplasty and then I became nervous about the breast augmentation. I think it was a combination of several factors. My husband had just been home 24hrs and we had not yet seen each other with his work schedule and science project he helped a child with. And then I had also had a slip into fear, and I was feeling the tension of previous surgical memories and lastly a lack of sleep over the 4 days that Gove was absent from home. So all of these factors contributed to my confusion but Dr Rose talked to me straight forward about his wife and her implants and what he likes about them and what I and my husband will like and how my tummy tuck is going to work. In the end I felt better but by then the office was closed and I felt rushed so I took all the paper work home and I returned this morning. I had a peaceful experience. I read all the papers and signed them and I requested to try the 2 sizes on one more time. I like the 355cc implants and not so much the 415cc high profile implants. However, as I considered the look which is beautiful bty, I heard in my head to try the 385cc size which may not work but I really liked that look too. So I am requesting either of the two and not the high profile type. I left peaceful and happy about this and about my surgery and hernia repair this Friday morning.  I had no idea that the tummy tuck started just under the xiphoid process of the sternum. My tuck may have a little issue with the old hernia mesh but Dr. Rose will encourage Dr. Rasmussen to really tighten that hernia muscle.

I'm using positive imagery and affirmations along with preventative ointments in preparation for this exciting event. No doubt I'll be in pain but I can recall long ago being in very little pain after using such techniques.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

quote of the day...from The Prophet by Kahill Gibran

"...And stand together yet not too near together: 
For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

I too am learning to no longer live in another persons shadow. It feels strong and hopeful for me. And we are going to be healthier for it.

This is my new story...

Dear Friend, 
After attending the Forgiveness retreat last month, I struggled with the
writing of my new story, until one day I knew I needed to check out from society and remain in my room of peace where I sang songs to my God and prayed, and read and then I suddenly was ready to write.  What I wrote is below. Written 7 days ago, I have reviewed my story each day except 1 and yesterday I was moved by what I wrote. I felt this was the correct wording for me.  I am sharing it here only to give encouragement to you as you write a new story for yourself. What I have written may not make any sense to you which is probably good because it's written for me and my benefit. Yet here I go and post it here.

Draft 1 10/28/14

     Forty-six years was a long time to carry the core message of "I'm not good enough". Yesterday I really surrendered that old unfaithful message. I ran to the bathroom and looked into the mirror and I told me that I am enough, that I have always been enough and I am not those old negative messages. I came out of the bathroom determined to share and not hide behind shame. To my happiness I felt relief after sharing. So today my newest story is beginning to take shape.

I Veronnica Lynne Bush-Allen was born of goodly parents who did the best they could with what they had available to them. Today my positive intention is to thank my parents. I now accept that their pains are in need of healing just like my own. Today we are each free to become our own personal hero.
I start my journey with a new list of positive messages; they are as follows:
  • I am present
  • I am good
  • I belong
  • I am  helpful
  • I am sane/ I am serenity
  • I am unique
  • I am enough
  • I am a success/ I am successful
  • I have much
  • I am important
  • I am significant
  • I am visible
  • I am loved
  • I matter
  • I am powerful/ I am strong
  • I am safe
  • I am just right
  • I am worthy
  • I am wanted
  • I live and breath in the now
  • I am right
  • I am creative
  • I am beautiful
  • I have much to offer

My biggest positive message is that I am enough. Because I remind myself that I am enough I am able to go to the mirror and quickly comfort my inner child with the assurance that I am enough and that to think otherwise is only a mistake that can be corrected.  I breath deeply of the realization that I am free to change and I am free to practice loving kindness towards myself and towards all others.

I am grateful to accept the 10th step which involves daily inventory of my thoughts and actions. This is providing me with the opportunity to make amends now which is freeing my positive energy to work in a way that goes beyond my current understanding.   I am grateful for the light that is upon me, that is within me, and for the light that is coming towards me; full of love, truth, and support. God continues to support me. He leads me to new learning that I am accepting with humility and a willingness to learn because I am excited about living my new life.

I find myself and many people around me excited for my change and the hope it leaves others feeling. MY love is infused with the love of God whose love is HUGE. Love is pulsating through my body and I keep taking daily deep breaths to remind myself of the full potential that is within me just under the surface of my skin. The pulsation of the life force to do good is within me. Tapping into this source of truth and hope I am bringing others to the source of love. It's called forgiveness of self.

There are no enemies any more. All family members, all people are messengers of love. I give love back freely with no strings attached. I do step aside from the emotions I experience and I am able to speak about the emotions without becoming the emotions. This is GRACE, a true gift of God. I reach daily for the compassion and hope that grace and love will lend to me. I am full of hope, faith, and trust. I give my vulnerability to my higher power and I am able to accept pain with gratitude for the new lesson that will come from each and every experience. I am grateful to say this because I am all about loving.  Giving and receiving love.

Because I care so much, I go to my place of quite reflection and I worship my Creator daily with prayer and words of thanks. I trust God to lead me into experiences and that all is for my own good. I do hard things. I am loveable, I am teachable, I am kind, I am a seeker of truth and I hope in that which I can not yet see.

I am my hero and I am your hero while you go through the steps necessary for your refinement. I am here to offer my support. I am not alone and neither are you. Thank you to all my friends known and unknown who are helping me to see the truth and reach for the light of love.  This is the story for today. I might slip and make a mistake yet I'll get up and I'll keep trying. This is how it works for me.